Poetry for the coming Winter

Good Morning Britain’s Got It Covered

Through the doom and gloom

The daily bump n’grind

What news is more important

Than what covers your behind

The most pressing topics

Debated live on air

GMTV’s got it covered

Your ‘booty’ or ‘derrière’

Lacy, racy, silk or satin

Lycra, cotton or the rest

Would you wear a G-string

Bridget Jones’s are the best

Have your pants been busted

Are your boxers too tight

Would you wear ‘y fronts’

Underneath some tights

Now that winters coming

What would we do without

Fashionable lingerie

To scream and shout about

Richard’s gone commando

Pier’s not there to scorn

Thank goodness GMTV

is keeping Britain warm

Although this was penned some time ago, I thought now more than ever, we as a nation need to think how to ‘heat the human’ as well as the house.

Time for thermal pants.

Left Behind – War and Disability

Is war coming?

What does it mean for disability?

Across the world our growing interconnected technology and media has reported the developments of the covid pandemic to our homes weather or not we were directly effected by the loss of someone close to us.

In its wake is the statistic that 6/10 people who died were disabled.

It seems strange that we didn’t stop air travel when we eventually went into lockdown. The fact that we had left it so long to put in basic infection control measures like mask wearing and despite evidence such as operation cygness that the government and nhs knew there may be a pandemic but hadn’t tried to plan or prepare seemed incredible.

Some things are only visible with the benefit of distance from the event. There was much criticism of the inaction that was displayed by our government at the time when other countries clearly recognised a state of emergency and lockdown were required to stop the spread, and deaths due to the virus.

But what does it really mean, what was this saying about our society?

Speaking as a disabled person, being left behind is something that I, we disabled people have gotten used to.

The austerity measures of the last 10-15 years have taken a hefty toll on the disabled in the U.K. whilst globally our country is supposed to be ahead, there has been a gradual eroding of support, rights, benefits and attitudes towards disabled persons.

There has always been a small section of the population that has no comprehension of disability. Just as there is a proportion of the wealthy who believe that people are poor because they don’t work hard. Ignorance is the root of so many problems when the attitudes are held by people with no direct experience of the problems, or no ability to empathise with those in different situations.

So many disabled people died during the pandemic that to someone like myself, it looked like more than just careless pandemic management.

So little value is attached to the life of someone with a disability, wouldn’t it be great if all the disabled and sick people disappeared, because this will make the problems of social care, health care and spending money on keeping us alive, go away.

Honestly that is what it feels like when your going to your umpteenth disability benefit assessment.

It’s like we, disabled people contribute nothing to society and won’t it just help the planet and the treasury if we all disappear. Clear some space for the ecological disaster that looms nearer every day that we don’t take action to live more sustainable lives and in harmony with our planet?

After all less sick people means more resources for everyone else right?

Only, the pandemic has highlighted the problems with the Hurd immunity mentality.

Despite 6/10 people who died being disabled, there are now at least 2 million more people in the U.K. suffering from long covid.

A whole new disability!

How long is long covid? How long is a piece of string?

Collectively the media has begun to drag disability to the forefront, with articles about transport problems,the cost of living, health and social care making the headlines more frequently.

The reality is that these problems are as much about poverty as health. Increasingly the link between the two is highlighted. Without food or shelter how can we have any quality of life leave alone good health?

The reality of disability is that it doesn’t go away and it isn’t going away. Health and disease is like death and taxes.

But here we get to what I want to say about war.

The war in Ukraine has created a heightened sense of vulnerability in many people. The media coverage has been none stop. Globally politics has gone into overdrive.

Who is benefiting from the war? Arms dealers? Is it about controlling people through fear? Fear of high fuel and food prices? It’s hard to say we are fed so much information it’s hard to know what is going on, especially as we aren’t really meant to.

But in the context of disability if there was a war now, what would it mean for disabled people?

In my opinion it would generate a whole new wave of disability just like the pandemic generated long covid.

The military industrial complex is generating money for someone somewhere. But the reality of war is that it generates death, trauma, disability, sickness and ultimately more war as the people who loose their loved ones take revenge against those who have wronged them.

I used to care for veterans of the Second World War. The physical scars they carried were not as deep as the trauma that they endured. Lucky to have survived at all, most felt that the ‘real’ hero’s had died fighting for their country. Survival meant that you were a changed man.

As a society we bear the scars of the first and second world wars. They have formed the architecture of the world we live in today. Generations of behaviour and emotions have rippled from these disasters.

Now we have the potential for more global trauma.

It makes me sad, because these events may generate money for the pharmaceutical industry and arms industry. They may help to control populations through fear and death. But they are not resolving the climate crisis and for all the eugenicists out there, these events are only perpetuating sickness and disability. If anything it highlights the link between capitalism and slavery.

It is positive to see that the media has begun to change the narrative about disability and we are beginning to see that being disabled is not just about being a superhuman Olympic athlete. The reality is that we all have strengths and weaknesses regardless of our health.

Hopefully this will lead to real change, that includes the disabled as well as other marginalised groups that historically have been ‘left behind’.

A Message For All The Martial Arts Instructors Who Have Suggested That I Change My Name

Everyone has the right to earn a living.

A great deal of many bad things have happened to me that have interfered with my human rights.

Unfortunately a lot of people have obstructed me from justice and if solicitors and police officers and doctors won’t help me access justice then I won’t be able to bring the people that did this to me to justice.

I realise that my life is not a valuable as the ‘honour’ of your martial arts organisations.

I would be arrested if I smeared excrement over the front doors of the martial arts clubs that were implicated and responsible for what has happened to me in my martial arts training.

But then yesterday I found this on the website of one of the martial arts clubs that I no longer train at, because they weren’t very good at dealing with misogyny.

I won’t name them. But I want them to know that it’s a joke.

I have over 400 pages of written information floating around in the cloud that prove how much of a joke it is.

Along with my medical records.

You must all be desperate to have done this to me. I hope you can sleep at night knowing your allowed to still teach children.

The last Time I saw my Welsh instructor he was crying.

I now realise that it wasn’t because he realised what he had done to me.


It was because the fat old instructor who was standing next to him who thinks he’s James Bond was trying to protect his martial arts reputation and funding.

Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine.

I realise that everyone’s funding is much more valuable than my life.

At least this explains why sport in the U.K. has resorted to kangaroo courts.

The press must be privately having a field day.

One woman could literally bring down half of the countries martial arts instructors.

And this is a message for my relatives.

When I set up practice again do not phone my work phone number, or text my work phone number because you know Iv blocked your calls. Don’t use my patients to pump them for information about my life, my personal life or work life. The next time round you might not be so lucky with the police force and honestly if you want me to be happy stop writing to my doctors and getting your mates to pump me for information. If anything happens I am more than capable of contacting you myself. My friends have also made this very clear.

This also applies to everyone involved in the above.

This is a message for the people who said they hoped I believe in god.

Giving away our power to a higher source will not make the world a better place.

To summarise, I will not be changing my name.

I would like to say that I don’t care anymore, but it’s not that. I just want to be free of all the shit that everyone has thrown me because they can’t deal with their own shame.

This post is the best present I have ever given myself.


These are links to articles in The Guardian about the ongoing inquest and inquiry into the death of Gaia Pope.




Before today I have never heard her name, but it is unlikely that I will ever forget it after reading about what happened to her after she had a seizure and became psychotic.

She isn’t hear today to write a blog about how she was failed by literally every service that was supposed to be in place to safeguard her.

But I am.

I cannot lie, that the rage I felt when I read how she was treated was as much rage for her as it was for me.

This should not happen in any society that thinks of itself as ‘civilised’.

She is not alone.

Reading about how the system failed her is literally a mirror of how it has failed me.

I am so angry.

I hope her family and friends can get justice and with that find some peace of mind. It will not bring her back but perhaps the inquiry will instigate change for people like her, and me.

The reality is that this could happen to anyone because our mental health system is not fit for purpose, pharmaceutically driven and floored by a lack of holistic principles and many times inhuman.

It is more machine than human. We can do so much better.

I thought this poem may be appropriate.

I will be lighting a candle for Gaia after I have posted this.

The candles

People loose others

loose themselves

The darkness of loss

Never turns

Night to day

At the end of the day

The best we can hope for

Is that those who are not lost

Find the ones who are

And light the candles

On the way


leading them


Illuminating obstacles

Showing a path

Towards hope


Leading through the shadows

That cast long


Dawn breaks

And the sun rises

And sets

When they two

Can light

A candle

For someone


There is no happy ending.

No one writes this blog anymore because there is no happy ending. The person that wrote it was systematically destroyed by all the people she ever cared about.

All of the services that were supposed to be in place to keep her safe where so dysfunctional that they all imploded. The NHS that she signed every single fucking petition to fight for let her down, monumentally, astronomically.

All the people that should have been there for her were too busy looking after their own interests to put her needs first. Consequently I never get better, I just have to deal with more medical arse holes who want to use me for clinical research. Find a doctor who could diagnose their way out of a paper bag. So thanks.

Thanks to all the people who worked so hard as team ‘together’ to put me in hospital. Thanks to all the police, nhs staff, DWP, teachers, lecturers, 2 faced frenemies. Martial arts instructors.


Don’t bother trying to get better or help people. There are so many people working to tear you down and trash you that you might as well do them all a favour and top yourself.

After you die they will all be falling over themselves to pass the buck of responsibility onto someone else. All you are is a whitewash in drop of time.

The irony is they will want your brain for more clinical research and they will take your organs and give them to someone else so that people can say you were useful and saved someone’s life.

That’s the state of healthcare In the U.K.

If you wait long enough the racists who deliberately brain damaged you in hospital so they could bury you to build a research building on their hospital with a university will eventually publish the evidence in the local news paper.

ill look forward to hearing from the mental health team and neurology department about my next section.

But I’m quite confident that i wont hear from anyone because they are all hoping that i will have another post ictal psychotic episode and they can fail to give me life saving treatment the same as last time, so that it looks like my death was a tragic accident and no one will have to answer for the fact that my medical notes are criminally negligent along with the people who have spent the last 7 years covering up what happened to me.

what an absolute fucking disgrace.

Young Epilepsy and Epilepsy Action ‘My Journal’ Epilepsy Educators

Some time ago I was very pleased to read this post in epilepsy action about epilepsy in a rural community.

Around the same time I also read about Olivia and her experience of absence seizures. Here are the details for your information.

Hats off to Olivia Solvati fronting the Young Epilepsy campaign to raise awareness in Educators about the symptoms of Epilepsy. More great work being done by the BBC reporting and raising awareness and education.

Olivia talks about her experience of absence seizures which can be particularly hard to spot and very disruptive to eduction if they aren’t recognised.

See the link here for full article ‘Epilepsy: ‘I’m not daydreaming Miss, I’m having a seizure’


Also, was very happy to see Epilepsy Action published ‘My journal’ written by Christena writing about what it is like to live with epilepsy in a rural area. Christena is passionate about supporting people with epilepsy and educating about what it is. She writes about her experience and research as well as her role in the local Epilepsy Action group in this article.

Support for new mothers with epilepsy and mental health problems


I saw the story of Bronagh in the BBC news. When I watched it I cried.

Bronagh had epilepsy and after she became a new mum at the age of 21 she became depressed.

Having a baby can put any woman at risk of mental health problems. According to NHS.co.uk 1 in 10 women experience postnatal depression, so GP’s need to be on the look out. Sleep deprivation and anxiety also cause problems. PTSD, OCD and psychosis can also be a problem postnatally. Only recently Adele shared the story of her friends struggle with postnatal psychosis. (1)

Bronagh’s Mum talks about how Bronagh was told she couldn’t be left alone with her baby because of her epilepsy, because she was a danger to her baby. Because of this Bronagh wasn’t comfortable lifting or touching her baby.

This is tragic.

When I read this it made me very angry. Women with epilepsy may need extra support after having a baby, but to be made to feel like she was a bad mother and couldn’t touch or look after her baby is a completely inaccurate and destructive impression to give anyone with epilepsy, or any new mother.

Women with epilepsy can and do have babies all the time. Women with epilepsy are good mothers. I suspect women with epilepsy feel like they have to be 1000 times better than other mothers, because-personally I have found women with a disability feel continuously under scrutiny.

Epilepsy action provides information to women in the UK about pregnancy and how to care for yourself and a new baby. There is no reason why a woman can’t have or hold her baby, or enjoy being a mother. (2) Some things like washing baby are better done when your partner is at home for support and safety, so it must have been especially difficult and frightening for Bronagh to have so much negative reinforcement about her ability as a mum.

Bronagh asked for help from health care professionals postnatally. She didn’t receive the help she needed.

Sadly Bronagh took her own life.

Her story raises the importance of perinatal Care not just in epilepsy but in mental health. In the UK there are only 131 perinatal beds. There are none in Northern Ireland or Wales. This has to change.

As a woman with epilepsy myself I am no stranger to the problems we face in society such as prejudice, ignorance and lack of education.

Unfortunately lack of healthcare is an area which can only be improved by better government funded NHS facilities. I hope the money that has been promised by the government does go into improving this area of health care.

Having a baby should be the beginning of a new life not the end of one.

(1) https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/aug/15/adele-shares-story-of-friends-postpartum-psychosis-to-help-new-mothers?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

(2) https://www.epilepsy.org.uk/info/daily-life/having-baby/after-the-birth

Time To Change

‘Everybody wants to get better but nobody wants to change.’

I was in class a week ago, and the teacher gave us all this quote at the end of the lesson.

I felt like I had come home.

There is a time to be active and a time to be still in everybody’s life;There is a time to feel and time to sleep.

Now is the time to change.

I have a lot of learning to do, and so for now I am am taking a break from posting to concentrate on being still and undertaking some major restructuring as well as study.
I may drop by from time to time with articles, but for now, my friends, I will be reading your stories, your thoughts, your feelings, and I will be wishing you well (and commenting from time to time).

I am going to change.

When I resurface, i hope to be different, and better and CHANGED. 🙂

For now I am happily per-suing my dreams.

Keep well, until next time

I hope you are per-suing your dreams as well.